Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
