based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
