I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
