I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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