I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
