At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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