the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
