How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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