Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
