Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
