well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
