you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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