Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He did a backflip because drugs
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
