Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
