Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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