So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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