I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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