Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
