She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
