o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
