im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
