Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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