I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
