Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I touched a dick in church today
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
