Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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