Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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