Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
