his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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