Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
