having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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