her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
