What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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