Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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