guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
