so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize