People in love make me want to vomit
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
