So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
