either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
my phone needs a breathalizer
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
