As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
