when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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