look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize