I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
