I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
