Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
