We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
