fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
