there's paper in my vomit.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
