Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
