She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
