Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize