If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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