I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
