pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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