guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I wish they made helmets for livers.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
