and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Randomize
