i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
