omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
